if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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