i wish my penis had a tongue
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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