The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
