if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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