ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
