She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
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There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
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Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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