i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
