I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
