Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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