apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
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I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
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...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
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