Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
My life is pants optional.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
