she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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