im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
