Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
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