if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
