Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
