My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
