I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
