so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
