The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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