The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
