Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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