in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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