Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
And then my night got REAL pukey
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
