I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
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Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
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Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
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