why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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