We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Randomize
