Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
