rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
