a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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