I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
