I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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