Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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