Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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