Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
