You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
