He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Randomize
