If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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