I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
