Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
