please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
