tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
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I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
We don't watch enough power rangers
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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