it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Sorry my hands just texted you
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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