pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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