I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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