My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
