There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
