So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
