I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
