I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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