Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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