What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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