I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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