If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
