i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
