When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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