Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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