I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Randomize
