I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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