trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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