I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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