my text book just quoted the cookie monster
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
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